Sunday, 11 January 2009

• Currently A Beautiful Mind By Jennifer Connelly, Russell Crowe, Adam Goldberg, Ed Harris, Judd Hirsch see related

  What If...

  WHAT IF I WAS A GUY: If I were born a male, my life would be 180'd around. I wouldn't be punished for the all the "bad" things I do. I could come home anytime I wished, not breaking curfew. My father wouldn't look down upon me for my tattoos. I wouldn't be obliged to do the laundry or clean the house. I wouldn't be such a great "burden" upon my parents. My parents wouldn't fight as much. My parents would be less stressed. I would be to do virtually anything I pleased. I wouldn't have to fight my mother to come home at 12. I would probably have a car since my parents would trust me more because I would be a guy. I would live a totally different life if I was a guy.
  
  WHAT IF I WAS SINGLE: Wow! It's actually hard for me to imagine myself and my life without my boyfriend. I would probably be were I was before...lost and even more of mess than I am already. Lol. I would be hooking up with other guys but still have that vacancy in my heart. I wouldn't understand what true love is. I wouldn't know what a real family is, a family that is actually there when needed or just to chill and have a good time with. I wouldn't have met some amazing people, amazing friends. I wouldn't know how to make love or even know what it is. I wouldn't be complete without my boyfriend, my true, one & only love, my other half, the other half of me, my everything.
  
  WHAT IF I WAS ABSTINENT FROM DRUGS: I have to admit life would be a easier without drugs. I wouldn't be so broke. I wouldn't fight with my parents, boyfriend, & best friend as much. I wouldn't be exhausted, sick, and in pain. Yet, I know all of this and still hunger for that high. I find myself chasing that high without thinking twice about the consequences. I hate the person drugs have made me into. I am selfish, irritable, no fun, self destructive, useless; a monster I hate so much. I continueously hurt the people I love the most. I hate myself for this. This habit is no longer self destructive; everyone is hurting. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the harm I've brought upon you.
  
  WHAT IF MY GRANDMOTHER WAS STILL ALIVE: This one is kind of easy for me. My grandmother was really ill & a fighter. For her own peace of mind, she was taken away. I would give almost anything on this Earth I would give up to hug my grandmother one more time, but it makes me happy to know she is in a place where she doesn't suffer anymore. Death has opened my eyes to all of life's little blessings. I finally found true love for my family, not that genetric shit that obliges one to love his family just because one HAS TO. I realize how precious each of our lives are. She has help me discover my college major, post-college work, & pushed me harder to improve my character. I guess there is a silver lining to every cloud, for me there was a few. :)
  
  Obviously I'll never be treated like a person rather than just a female (sexist morons) nor will my grandmother resurrect from the dead, but it's okay. Although there's a lot of changes I'd like to make in my life, I wouldn't because shit that doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. No matter what I might say, when it comes down to it I love my life because I have people who love me, which makes the struggle well-worth it.
  
  <3:) beverlyyy
  "I understand what 'I love you' means- It's doing the right thing no matter what the consequence."

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